I haven’t posted on here in a long time. I guess I did not feel the need to or I didn’t remember to? I don’t know…But i just had a breakdown in which I almost relapsed after seven and a half months completely free from self harm.

How did my mind get to that point? I was crying hysterically and my thoughts instantly went to that relief I used to feel…the relief that never kept working! I sometimes forget how futile it was for me…because I needed more and more to feel the same affect every time.

I am about to graduate college. Woopdy-do…Why don’t I feel happier?? Why don’t I feel more accomplished? Why don’t I feel like I’ve done something in my life?

Maybe it’s because I could literally leave this place and move completely across the world and maybe one person would miss me…but eventually get over it. I’ve done EVERYTHING humanly possible to build lasting friendships yet people pull away from me. Or I realize they’re gossiping about me. Or I realize they actually lie to my face every day.

Why do I put myself through this? I should just leave now!

I’ll move to Alaska. I’ll just do something random there. Or England, I love their accents.

Honestly, I just feel so drained and exhausted and just mentally beat up that I don’t think I can handle one more thing or I’ll blow up.

I guess some days are just worse than others….