It is very early. I can’t sleep. I am feeling very anxious. At a time in my life where I should be feeling happy and like I accomplished something, I can’t help but feel unsettled about this transition and uncertainty in life right now. I am finishing school and I don’t have the job I want. Although I have tried, I have been rejected for several things. I feel like a failure even though I just got a degree. I understand that things take time and to have a little patience…but for some reason that is very difficult for me – especially now. And the rejection is painful. I know it is nothing personal, but it FEELS personal and I can’t help but hate myself with every turn down. I want to hurt myself for 1. feeling like a failure and not doing things correctly enough so that I feel secure in a job, 2. because I am feeling bad for feeling number 1, and 3. because I feel very out of control with not very much structure or certainty to life right now.
The more I think the more anxious and stressed I become. I feel so wound up that I want to either scream or cry at the littlest things. I feel myself getting depressed. I either can’t sleep or don’t want to do anything but sleep. I am trying to choose more positive things that help, but then I think about the lack of direction and not knowing where to go now that I get back into a negative state of mind.
I really need some support and structure back. I need to know that things will work out and that my education is not a waste. I have been down this road more than once and I want to feel like it was worth it to go though all this yet again. How can I be more patient and be okay with waiting? How can I wait and be in this uncertainty and not lose sight of all the blessings I do have? How can I remain forgiving of myself in the process? I should know the answers but I feel like I left my coping tools on another planet recently and don’t know how to get them back.