I hope writing is useful. I am in outer space. I can see why– major stress around son, including court today, friend and mentor died recently — but it’s coming out not aimed at the big things but the little– can’t organize myself– strong urges to punish myself- yesterday I hailed a cab and didn’t see that one stopped in front of me, kept trying to hail until the one that stopped honked at me. I did see it but I thought there was already a passenger, which didn’t make sense. Then when we got to the destination I opened the door into an on coming car and there was an accident. I got to just walk away fron that without liability or sharing my information and I feel guilty and like I should be punished as much as I’m grateful that I got to get away. I screwed up because I am not present. And I haven’t exercised in maybe a couple months (?) because i just work all the time and that isn’t helpful. Ut even this morning I was thinking I should really go get some exercise – that would be grounding but I just see myself crying through the whole thing if I have to touch the ground – it’s going to be excruciating. I can only do it in a supportive environment, so yoga would be good but everything in me rails against it and I end up in fog brain of how- I should do x- no I should do y- and then time has passed and all I have done it make preliminary plans in 12 directions. I can settle some doing artwork. So many that’s what I should do, but then I get lost trying to decide if I should shower before I get started or if I’ll feel uncomfortable dressed for court or if it’s too cold to go sit at my desk in my pajamas. And then I know that SO would calm me right down, settle me. I could take medication to do the same thing. But I don’t want to be tired – if it was Friday it would be ok – I don’t want to feel weak tomorrow. I don’t want to be like my friend and do anything bad to myself. I don’t like the scar that’s very noticeable now from something i did in the fall. I just feel like ahhh! I need a plan – and the thing I need the plan for is just charting my course through the morning.