I am trying very hard not to feel bad about myself and want to punish myself. The school year is almost done and it is time to seriously start looking for a ‘real’ job. I had an interview the other day for a job that I really want and that I have been working toward for a very long time. The interview didn’t go as well as I thought and I went immediately to negative self-talk and just mentally being hard on myself. In times like that it is hard not to want to take further punishment on myself and SI. I messed up and feel I need to correct that something how through self punishment. I am just feeling desperate and anxious which is never a good combination for me.
My anxiety is so high again that my OCD like behaviors have gotten worse again. I have wasted so much gas and time driving back to places because I have to double check that I didn’t leave something on the desk, that I didn’t leave the stove on, and the list goes on and on. When I get really anxious it feels like I will almost make excuses to check things. I think to help have some control or help reduce the anxiety in some way I will think of things that need to be checked. It’s hard to explain. The whole thing is getting way beyond annoying. I also am trying to self-soothe in way that aren’t healthy. I shop and I eat. I don’t have the money to spend shopping and I certainly do not need to be eating more since my weight is already an issue.
I am feeling lost and slowly losing control with things. I try not to get down about the job. I pray about it and have faith that God will lead me to what will make me happy. But I can’t help but be desperate and anxious about it all. I wish I could just have more faith, patience and self-compassion.