My feelings are so confusing to me right now and I don’t know where to go with them so I’m coming here. I felt a tumble of anxiousness a moment ago and not silence. I am experiencing resentment. That’s a sort of new emotion. I resent my sponsor for being rich and having earned that money in a way I feel is unethical, but at the same time I am stuck on the 4th step because I have made errors associated with my poverty- and I’m terrified of money that I am starting to make it- afraid I will screw up with taxes, etc. I feel both ridden with guilt and totally misunderstood and way overly harsh with myself… why am I thinking of that now? Perhaps because I just watched the wolf of wall street. It seems better for me in a way to just stay away from media but I’m starting to get more in touch with what’s going on and that’s scary. I had myself protected and shut off and I am very sensitive. At the same time I am cold hearted, severe. I resent both my friends for their struggles with their easy, placid lives. (I’m so mean.) On is so peaceful and wishy washy. The other is so dramatic and coveting of drama. I don’t recognize myself. This isn’t me. Then, at the same time totally different feelings looking a one friend and her aspirations toward stuff that seems to come easily to me- an are where I feel like- and then feel in general like- I always land on my feet. Not without effort. But my efforts are effective. My therapist kept pointing out that I was expressing ambivalence in everything I said and I’ve heard it come of me a lot since he said it. Lots of x, but y. Apparently, that’s new. And I’m guessing it’s supposed to be good because it will keep the boat from tipping. But it doesn’t feel good to resent people. It’s painful, and I don’t like it. And everything I believe about myself keeps becoming untrue. I like Buddhist ideas of the self just being the space through which experience travels- not essential. I hold onto at least that idea of container, I guess, because if I was to try and grab anything else I’d be toast. But at the same idea having a better idea of who I am. What I like and stand for and that I don’t have to play by anyone’s rules. I keep getting to do the invention of my presence and choose my navigation. I’m quite a boat in this talking… And I am upset about family of origin stuff- or confused. An obituary that someone who abused me but remains the family hero wrote about my recently deceased grandmother and all sorts of family history he uncovered is about to be in the mail to my son for the occasion of his birthday. My therapist says I’m being hard on myself when I feel I must speak up. My son doesn’t know this person, barely even knows he exists because he has been raised in isolation. I was being told his information on the phone today and I just responded with oh, and huh, and I’ll be interested to read that. But the way I felt was mute and hiding. The mask went up and I went away. Bullying myself into handling things otherwise is not an effective strategy. I don’t have any other ideas. I feel I should speak up, but I can’t, and somehow I have to figure out how to be at peace with that. And then just ask my therapist about how to deal with questions about this mystery person about to show up in a letter to my son for his birthday. Actually, I think she hadn’t sent it yet. Maybe she was even feeling me out and I missed the time to speak. Maybe it’s urgent and I need to speak now to say, please don’t send that. But, at the same time, I’m not all that fragile. And I suppose the truth is the best hing to tell myself (ha! I meant to type my son). And I have my therapist to consult on the whole thing. The letter won’t get here before I see him, and even if that wasn’t the case, I could call- I feel safer when I think of that. I feel like- still just constant changes with me. At some point I would appreciate the change to give me a break- I hope that this isn’t just what life if like.