Im having a really rough time tonight. Im not sure why. Again its one of those nights where nothing eventful happened. I was just taking a shower, listening to music, when all of a sudden the thoughts and urges hit me. I wanted to SI so bad. So, so, so, so bad. I thought about it. But I decided against it. I cant SI. That’s a major step back for me. I hadn’t SI-ed in a few months before this. Not that it really matters. But the sad part is that I want to do it again. It didn’t make me feel ok this time. Like I needed more. But I’m going to keep myself busy tonight. Im going to do my nails, listen to music, and try to drown out the world. But what really frustrates me is my parents. We were watching a show, and this gay couple had a daughter who was having trouble in school. So my dad makes a VERY rude comment about them. I was just MAD. Like who are you to talk? Its not like you did a fantastic job at raising me. Ive been si-ing for 11+ years and you think you have this perfect daughter. Then to top it off I keep thinking about my sexuality. I haven’t had a real relationship in so long. But I don’t want one. Not with a girl, nor with a boy. But then people make comments like “maybe youre secretly a lesbian.” That really gets to me. Like ok, so if I wanted to it would make you think differently of me? I don’t find myself attracted to everyday females. Sure the amazing celebrities we see on Tv, yea I have many girl crushes. But I cant imagine I would want to have a relationship with a female. I don’t want any kind of relationship at all actually. I don’t want to have to share my life with anyone. I don’t want to have to talk someone into going somewhere I want. I don’t want to cuddle with someone because they want to. I don’t want to have to cook dinner if I don’t want to. I want a career, then I want to travel. Honestly I cant see myself married. There was a time (and im sure if I go back long enough on this blog alone) I would have died to have a husband, a baby, and a home. Now, not so much. Id rather love me first. And that’s what a lot of people don’t see. I don’t love myself. Heck I don’t even like myself. How would I be able to love someone else? If I cant meet my own psychological needs, how can I be there for someone else? I just don’t see that happening. I don’t mean I want to isolate myself. I want a baby someday. Maybe Ill adopt. Maybe Ill use a surrogate. But I cant just don’t see myself sharing my life with another adult. I don’t want that commitment. I don’t want someone telling me not to wear a specific shirt because THEY don’t like the color, male or female. I just think at this point in my life I need to like myself first, before I can even think about sharing my life with someone. And if that someone happens to be male so be it. If it happens to be a female, so be it. If its a transgender so be it. I DONT CARE. But even thinking of sharing my life with someone is laughable to me. No one around me has a healthy relationship. Not my parents, brother, cousins, best friends, old friends, new friends. No one. Everyone is generally miserable. Maybe because I hear the complaints all the time, but they don’t make it sound fun. They don’t make me think “man I am jealous!” it just makes me think ‘HAHA! too bad for you!’ Idk, maybe im just selfish. Maybe i’m too career driven. Maybe im just crazy. I am on here talking about hurting myself. But then again, who knows. Im done for now. Sorry for the long post.