I have always had problems with keeping my emotions to myself. Most of the time from myself. It seems as of it is a survival technique. If I felt those emotions, I would break down. The question I hate most is: “How do you feel?” I don’t actually know, most of the time. I have learned to respond in different ways with a plausible answer for different situations. I cannot say ‘I don’t know’, as I’m the only one who would know.
Last year in February, I was put into foster care. Quite soon after that I was also kicked out of the boarding area of my school. I still attend, but am not allowed to board for reasons I would rather not get into. Both of these events happening at the same time was too much for me to handle.
Soon after I was put on care, I tried to commit suicide. After being kicked out of boarding, I became very depressed and lost interest in all of life. I slept a lot and didn’t want to eat.
I told my teacher who advised me to tell Sharon, my foster carer, and I emailed her the same night. We talked and she suggested going to the doctors. I agreed and when we went, I had nothing to say. I was really anxious and non-talkative that I stared at my hands saying not a word. My GP referred me to CAMHS and I felt slightly better.
I went to CAMHS where I didn’t talk again. During my depressive stage, I had self harmed but the lady said that she didn’t think it was going to be an issue. We talked a bit and the session finished and she gave me a second appointment. I was in respite when the second session occurred and had a really good time. I was feeling much happier so CAMHS discharged me. Bad mistake.
For the past few weeks, my Claustrophobia has got a heck of a lot worse, and I couldn’t cope at school. I was having panic attacks in corridors and classrooms that I was completely fine in before. A girl in my class who has ADHD, was really annoying me. She would have a go at me for something I could not help. I sit next to her in some lessons and when I get claustrophobic, I move away from the table. She responds by moaning or commenting that I cannot work like that, Its stupid, or I should be doing the lesson. This drove me to self harm.
I had very bad suicidal thoughts and wanted to do something about it, but I’m not good at talking to people. I self harmed and felt like I was doing something about my thoughts. I had some control. This time I had no emotions whatsoever and felt very odd. I gave up on suicide and tried self harm and am now still doing it.
It is getting worse. I have thoughts and I go with them. I’m worried that if I have another suicidal thought, I will fulfil it completely. I have been with my other thoughts
I promised Sharon I would tell her and yet I purposely waited until she had said good night to me, to self harm. I feel as though my body is trying a different tactic. When I felt all the pain, I couldn’t tell anyone. Its as if my body is hiding the emotion so I can accomplish things, like my thoughts. But also if I carry out all of them, I should be able to speak about them and get help.
Just my screwed up life.