I’m so overwhelmed with the urge to drink and self harm…it’s because my partner randomly wants to more to North Dakota. She has a friend there that told her about truck driving jobs where she can make $100,000+/yr. but she’d only be able to come home every 3 weeks to see me…for a year.
All I can think right now is how I could drink and self harm and doing whatever I want as much as I want however I want. Ahhhh my brain is taking over and I feel completely obsessed. At first I was only thinking of how much I’d miss her and how I’d hate to be in bed alone every night.
Then I thought “hmm this would be a good chance to see if I can drink normally” I’m going down to once a month with my therapist in a few months, I’d have little accountability.
No one would have to know. I’d clean up before she got home and that’s over 3x’s how much we make in a year now!
That sounds like a huge thing to consider. Urges to drink and self harm are typically driven by feelings, and it sounds like you have some big feelings behind this. Maybe write down, share with a therapist, share here, or with your partner all the FEELINGS that come up. Do you want to self injure because you feel happy about her taking the job? Or because it makes you feel lonely? I would guess there are about a million feelings working there way around in your mind, take the time to find those and look at them. And then, tell your partner. Money is obviously very helpful to have, but sobriety and keeping yourself safe seem quite priceless in my opinion.
Being partners means making the decision together. I’m glad you are sharing your feelings here, and paying attention to them. That’s the very best thing you can do.