I woke up angry this morning. My frustration and anxiety is really high right now and I woke up with all these negative feelings. Mostly I am anxious about my future and finding a suitable and fulfilling job. I get really worked up about it and then I get down on myself. There is a lot of competition among the jobs that I am looking for and a lot of that competition has some great qualities and reasons why they should get the jobs too. I just get very anxious and nervous. I am scared about the possibility of not doing what I want to do and letting all my education go to waste. My anxiety level has been so high lately it is impacting my mental state (beyond just the anxiety, anger and frustration). I am finding myself doing more OCD type things. I always have this need to check things multiple times – the oven, make sure I unplugged the appliances, make sure the cat is inside and the doors are locked. I often have to check these things multiple times before I leave home. Although it is annoying, it does not interfere much with my daily life – until recently. My anxiety feels so high that my need to check things is becoming more than just annoying. The other day I drove 30 miles to work (not a paid job) only to get in my office and have this fear that I did not turn the stove off that morning. I lied to my boss and told her I had an appointment, drove the 30 miles back home only to find I did indeed turn off the oven (and probably had checked it at least 5 times that morning). Then I drove the 30 miles back to work. I wonder if medication would help for the anxiety right now, but I also know it won’t help me find a job or ease my fears of the future.
I don’t know what it is about today that has me in this ball of negative emotions. I feel like crying and screaming and being violent toward myself. Although I have a lot of things going for me in terms of getting a good job, I am not as good as other people. Competition is really fierce and I am already getting down on myself for comparing myself to others and always coming out on the short end of things. I tried to to use my tools to help me with all this. I went for a run this morning, only to feel bad that I can’t run as far as I would like too because I am not in shape, and then the neighborhood dogs would bark and growl at me only to feed into the fear that there is something wrong with me.
I found myself praying a lot. I don’t know who to turn to or talk to. I can’t talk to my peers because with some of them I am competing for the same jobs, my husband is great but doesn’t know what to say beyond “things will work out”. Nothing is helping because I am so wrapped up in my own self. If I could just relax, see the bigger picture and have faith and patience maybe it would start to feel better. That is what I prayed for – but also I would like a job and some sense of security with knowing I will have a job.