These days I have felt urges to hurt myself that seem to have come out of nowhere. Last night I logged and logged and logged; I haven’t logged since 2012. Not good. Using ‘words’ is a struggle for me and I feel like what all of this is telling me is ‘dig’ to uncover what the purple elephant in the room is. All I can say is logging is my best option for the moment. I lost my list of alternatives so I made a new one right there in the comments section of an impulse control log I was writing last night.
My new alternatives are refreshing and there to help me not completely blow everything. What I have to do is somehow find the humor and laugh and give myself credit for using my coping skills and no matter what I do not have to injure myself. I have come too far to mess everything up now. So much has happened to me and what I need to do is take care of myself and not torture myself. There has been enough of that from others and I do not need to continue the abuse, because I deserve to be safe and feel safe.
After I post this I suspect that logging will take place a lot tonight and that’s okay. What I have to remember is taking life hour by hour or even minute to minute is completely alright.
My feeling word for tonight is HURT, like the book Bodily Harm says “even if I do injure it’s not the end of the world”. For me it would feel like the end of the world. So I need to somehow deal with my hurt just by (((sitting))) w/ it and taking no action. Tonight I’m going to be selfish and take care of myself and try to not entertain thoughts about causing myself more pain. That is the last thing I need right now. Rereading what I have typed brought tears to my eyes; all of my feelings are very intense here lately. Just like letting my feelings take over and say words I regret and cannot take back no matter what. I am TERRIFIED……….