I feel like im losing it.  I don’t know why.  Everything is going great.  Im tired. I just want to stop being that functioning adult.  I want to break down and give myself some time to put myself together.  And ive been off work for so long now.  I had three whole weeks! My new job is amazing.  I love it, I have time to actual do things for myself like laundry!  But right now, I just want to SI.   I don’t want to be an adult anymore.  I don’t want to try anymore.  I don’t want to be this person everyone knows and loves. I want to be me.  Plain old depressed me.  I want someone to see that Im hurting.  that I wake up every morning and convince myself not to SI.  The one who goes to bed at night and blasts music to make sure I keep my mind of SI.  But no one sees that.  Ive gotten pretty good at that.  Heck its been 11 years now? When did that happen? I know im tired, but I have homework to do.  I have to eat dinner. I have to shower.  And I have to be up at 5 am tomorrow.  I can do it.  I know I can.  I just want to si tonight so I know Im still ….here I guess.  I just want to make sure Im still me.  Idk I guess that’s weird.  Its like every ounce of self control is out the window.  It takes so much energy NOT to SI.  I don’t know if anyone realizes it.  No one even thinks I think of it anymore. HA! How wrong they are.