It’s so weird trying to wrap my mind around how disordered eating can be a form of self harm. I had been going for a long time thinking that I was a certain length of time free of self harm, but that was only free of my former method of self harm. I hadn’t considered my eating disorder as a form of self harm. I get that it’s harmful to myself and that to some extent it is kind of intentional but I guess the two have never connected in my head. I think of the eating disorder as a form of control, not really as a form of harming myself. I feel so unsure of everything right now. To some extent I think my eating disorder could be related to not wanting to grow up. It sounds kind of silly putting it like that but I don’t know how else to say it. My depression sucked up most of my teenage years so the idea of wanting to perpetuate being young doesn’t really make total sense to me. Why lengthen a period of time that’s been really painful? I’m just not ready to grow up though. I’m almost 19 and I still haven’t fully accepted my ‘adult’ role. I still feel like a kid but everyone expects me to be an adult. I’m so tangled up in it all because I’m not ready to be a full blown adult. So I guess by focusing on my diet I’m kind of trying to set aside being a responsible adult. I’ve missed out on a lot of things that other teens normally experience by this point largely due to my depression. So I guess somehow to me it works out in my head that restricting and maybe having a better body will help me find these experiences before I feel like I have to have everything figured out.

I don’t know. I feel like none of what I just said makes any sense. I really wish that I had someone to talk to that could help me sort through the mess that’s swirling around inside my head.