I think early march brings up a lot of stuff for me. I try not to dwell on the past, but I also think sometimes it’s worth reflecting upon. The 9th step promises in the AA big book say “we will not regret the past, not wish to shut the door on it.” I hope that will be true for me one day too.

Three years ago today my Grandma died. I loved her so much. Alzheimer’s is a terrible disease. I wasn’t physically with her the last few years she was alive. I visited once, and I called all the time. My parents moved her into an assisted living facility in Texas. I was cleaning up after her a lot and helping her remember, I was really good at making her laugh and distracting her while I cleaned her up. I miss her so much. I was such a mess before she died. I had to be drunk to call and I got drunk specifically for that reason, so I could call. I was so numb all the time I remember playing the song Angel to make myself cry because I knew I needed to cry but I had myself stuffed so full of alcohol and drugs all the time I couldn’t break through the fog very well.

Then the day after that is the day I cheated on my partner. I don’t know if ever forgive myself for that. I’ve had a lot of memories of him and that day come up the past week. Kind of weird because he came into my job on Sunday. It was so random and good to see him. It brought back so many memories of my using and drinking and messing around with him.

I feel like a different person now. I am a different person. It’s hard to believe that was even me.