I was doing very well for a while. I had surgery for a

problem that just popped up out of nowhere. Got a new job, quit that job and found  a better one. Like everything is going well. But for some reason I want to si so badly. Just once. Nothing crazy. I just miss it. I miss that sense of control. I need something to feel that I have control over my life. I’m 25 years old and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Sure I have a decent job. I have a new car. I’m almost halfway through my masters degree. I just feel like I have nothing though. I don’t have a relationship. I have a bunch of debt and I live with my parents. I feel like a loser. I just want to have something that’s mine again. Idk I feel gross and fat and I don’t even want to think about food right now. My weigh is a struggle and I’m really scared when I start to lose weight I’m going to lose control. I’m going to go back to that vicious cycle of si and Ed that I always turn to. I’m scared of what I’ll do. I mean I have to start and I’m going to tomorrow have to work. I have to. my body is a mess.  It’s so messed up that I’m willing to ruin it more to feel okay again. Idk