I guess you could say one ositive is instead of my usual Closed Off self….I’ve begun talking about, hings. In General. A lot of that is thanks to To Write Love On Her Arms. To be honest, they’ve helped me a lot in the past with finding consoulers and help with all of my different issues which I am extremely grateful for and probably a huge reason why I am still here. Plus I was privilaged to attend their Heavy and Light Show last year which was life changing for sure. It actually made me start thinking about life in the future instead of hoping and waiting for it to be over so desperately. Maybe one day even the idea of Living a long life wont terrify me so much. I printed out the “Fear v.s Dreams page to contribute mine, but as I sit here with it in front of me I realize I have so many more fears than I really realized….hard to pick a top one. I’m afraid of falling in love again. I’m afraid of my aunt and brother passing and officially having no one. I’m afraid of losing my very last best friend…..which some days, seems to be happening. I’m afraid of falling several steps backwards from where I fought so hard to overcome. I’m afraid of dying a painful death. I’m afraid of the little family I have left hating me. I’m afraiof all of the opposite of what I just stated too…. I’m afraid of being Happy. I’m afraid of falling in love and getting married some day. I’m afraid of having kids, and I’m afraid of never being able to have kids, which is a realistic possibility for me considering some current health issues. I’m afraid of losing something I’ve never even had, I’m afraid of divorce. And lastly? I’m afraid to let my gaurd down ever and live like I could actually be happy. I’m afraid Of living in general. It seems harder to do that I guess than to live expecting the worse from everything, expecting all good things to come to an end and expecting to be let down and disappointed.
I guess besides that I should say what my dreams are maybe?
I do still have dreams….. I guess out of everything my few dreams have kept me going. I dream about having a life. A simple one that makes me happy in some way. I dream about my aunt and brother everything they could ever want. I dream about them being safe and happy. I dream about my brother having a family. I dream about my aunt beinf able to travel the way she wants to I dream about working with music and having a job someday tha I race out of bed to go to. I dream about being happy in general….its so fleeting for me. And unfortunately its not as easy as some people hope for. Yes there are things I can do to be happier, that I am trying to get back to, but also, I’ve had these…issues even when I was happier. If you were a raggedy cloth once, clean maybe, but raggedy, then something comes along and tears you in two, kicks dirt on you….you will never be the same as you once were… you can get cleaned up maybe, get patched back up, but you wouldnt ever be that came cloth again….no matter what. You can only hope to be a better form of what you are now…or at least, that’s what I think.