I haven’t had a good night sleep in a week. On Wednesday I went to sleep and was woken up at 4am by my dog who was unable to walk. The vet did not open until 6 and when he did he gave suggestions thinking that the problem was just his arthritis. By 7 he started having convulsions. When we got him to the vet we found out that he had a stroke which triggered something in his brain causing seizures. He got a shot to stop the seizures and the vet said in a day or two he would be ok. Unfortunately he never got to ok. He spent all day Thursday practically comatose from the shot. All day Friday he was having seizure after seizure and the terror in his eyes was heart breaking. Someone had to stay with him every night to watch him and make sure he didn’t hit his head and clean up after him when he had a seizure and lost control of his bladder. I thought it couldn’t get worse than that but on Saturday night he started howling. It was a sound I have never heard before. At times it was almost a scream. It is by far the worst sound I have ever heard. It was physically painful to listen to. I went to work on Sunday and got a text from my mom around 2pm. I called her and she told me that our wonderful, loving dog was gone. His body was just too tired to fight anymore.
I have cried too much. It feels like there is nothing left in me. Then I cry again. I go from feeling empty and numb to empty and in pain. I don’t know what to do. Any time I am sad he would sit with me and lick me and give awesome little doggy hugs. I feel lost and alone. I can’t tell anyone what I’m feeling because I really can’t find the words. Everyone just gives me these looks like they are worried about me. I get so overwhelmed and when I get overwhelmed I just don’t know what to do anymore. Everyone keeps asking me what helps me feel better and I can’t tell them the truth because it’s been 9 years since I SIed. Everyone thinks I’m fine but when I feel like this it’s constantly in my thoughts. Everyone is so worried I don’t want them to worry more.