I think i should be calling right now to have some arrested again– it is in that person’s best interest for his probation to be violated and, right now, that may or, more likely, may not already happen.

There will be bad consequences for me if I do it in the form of lots more time I have to take off of work. I’m already pushing the envelop on all the time I take off for this person.

I have no plan for this. I am angry about having no plan. I am sick and tired of crisis. And, of course, I want to hurt myself. Just before this happened I was looking at scars, feeling comforted by my power.

And just RAGE at the idea that it’s all ok if I just suck it up and don’t act. I’ve been thinking a lot about how if life is just supposed to be this freaking hard all the freaking time and the mental health solution is to just stand there and take it– ARGGg. That equals hopelessness.

Time to flip the coin. Decent deeper into the justice system, or don’t. They are both houses of horror.

Stress anyway in old best friend just got a long sentence all because he is mentally ill. He could have gotten off with time served but he believes in what the court sees as fraud and now he will probably die in jail. Which is more or less where I want him, other than it breaks my heart. But at least he’s away from me. Which is soooo mean.

I do not like the world right now. I do not like that I cannot access any resources on Sat night. I don’t like that I can’t trust his probation to be violated for just what it automatically should be violated for. I do not like life, really. I hate life right now. I do not always feel that way.

I feel incredulous that this is health– to feel so much and also know that it isn’t always like this. What I want health to be is to just stop having such big problems. I don’t want to have them then just suck it up.