I’ve been really surprised by the changes in myself. I’ve been through a lot of distress lately– family crisis. I’ve felt this anger coming in — I felt rage for the first time a couple years ago but this is different– it’s much lighter– just super annoyance. It’s coming out sideways, as in directed at annoying customers at work, etc, which is misplaced– but it’s a new way of feeling and it seems to be there where a turned in urge toward destruction used to be. It’s unpleasant, and it makes me think of Freud’s thing about turning neurosis into everyday unhappiness (gee, thanks)– …how to process the “achievement” of unhappiness… I’ve also seen myself able to recall other feeling states when I’m in a tough one. I’m finding the big dramas in front of me boring and my skills interesting– I’m not lost, not invisible. I exist, I take up space, I matter. Before recovery my clothes were usually stuff I found in the trash. I’ve been putting off buying new boats for years (3-4 years since a dog I had for a short time eat my favorites…). Today I invested in a new pair that I find awesome. They were price-y, but they will last a long time, I can afford them, and they make me really happy. When I wear them I want to remember that I spent that money on myself. That exists right next to my Bohemian-ish poo-pooing of consumerism. I can have both. I’ve been thinking about alternative rebellion. Pleasing myself consuming probably fits that bill for me. These things are all sort of things in the real world, where I might be unhappy, frustrated, but my behavior is stellar. This morning I was swimming and putting language to everything — observe and describe– I haven’t really put that skill to use before. I resist putting language to experience– I have ideas about just being in the experience rather than bothering with language, but it was really helpful. I do it if I’m writing– sometimes I will be in a hard thing and cope my taking notes, but this was just looking around and naming thing in my head. I’m so confused about my relationship with my therapist though. I think I’ve had a little growth spurt while away from him. I went from 3x a week, to once a week, and now I’m coming out of a break of about 8 weeks. I had group and psychiatry and I saw him once in there, but it wasn’t really *me*– I was in bad shape. But now I’m going to see him again and he’s in a new place and I don’t like it. However competent I feel in the real world, he lives in a different world. I mostly just went into hiding, shut down socializing and about everything while he was inaccessible. He’s been accessible by phone for the last 2 weeks and I have isolated myself less since then– I can see that. But I feel anxious about seeing him again. I feel partly like I want to crumb and fall into his basket. I also feel like I don’t trust him, don’t know him, want him to go away so I can just be happy and independent. I seem to have made extra progress away from him, in a sense, even while isolating– I have used skills more. It’s all really confusing. We should have had time to talk about the long break and we didn’t. He had a crisis and it ended up being even longer than planned. He’s not supposed to have crises, I don’t like that and it makes me really anxious. I don’t want him to exist. Now he’s going to be in a different office and a clinic with a really different culture and in a different chair. There are many reasons why I have felt uneasy about being able to change clinics with him, but the reason most on top of the list right now is that it seems to suggest that he cares about me and I really really don’t want that. It scares me. I have all these sort of primal feeling around him, then all these mature feelings and behaviors in the real world. I am way too connected to break off, but part of me would like to. to part of me it looks like he makes me unhealthy. I’m also afraid I have this veneer of healthy and it’s going to crack when I get near him. And the reason that it’s going to crack is that I don’t want to be healthy around him. I want him to *do* healthy for me. Some of this I’m brave enough to tell him. I also feel like I need help with my life but there’s so much junk between us– this big disruption is going to need to be addressed and then addressed again and some more. The thought just popped into my mind that I hate him. I guess I’m pretty angry.