This has not been an easy day. And it’s particularly difficult right now. ..or maybe it’s eased up a touch now. Feeling threatened by someone. What I want is safety, to live a free life. Not be bullied. Be in charge. Free to make money to make some security for myself. Free to be at peace in my house. Quiet in my house. Keep reminding myself what I’m working toward. I want to always feel safe. When not feeling safe from the outside, my thoughts become problematic — the urge comes up. What I’ve been hearing in my head is my therapist saying something along the line where did you ever get the idea that people are supposed to do what makes them feel good. Then referring me back to the reality principle. It would feel really, really good right now. It would feel like power and would detach me from my surroundings. I need to be here in the surroundings though. I have a earned a lot autonomy and I need to be here to protect it, because it’s mine. Some book I was reading last week talked about having a health sense of entitlement. I always thought entitlement was a bad thing, it was really interesting– I am entitled to some respect. Some freedom. I’d really be working against myself.
Also one family member is going to be arrested soon and I have to keep it a secret from another family member, and the one I have to keep it a secret from (because he would probably leak it– and that would lead to danger) wants to talk to me about what to do about the other person. I don’t know what to do.