I relapsed, again last night. I’m not someone who counts how many days/months I’ve gone with S.I. I have OCD and I know it would drive me crazy counting the days. But I know it’s been awhile. It’s always hard to relapse. And it’s always harder when I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I’m sure some of you know the feeling. It’s hard enough to look in the mirror at myself after doing it, I can’t imagine telling those that I love.
It’s been a tough few days. I’ve recently come back to my town where I go to college, away from my boyfriend and my best friend lives in another state. I guess the loneliness just consumed me. I’ll be graduating in May and the realization began to scare me. Thinking of myself being out in the my career field, the lingering questions about what if I fail or what if I’m no good at my job. I don’t know if anyone of you can relate. But being so close to your dream that you’ve worked so hard for, it can get scary when you realize it’s soon going to be right in front of you.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever rid my life completely of S.I. If it will continue to sneak up on me and become my default when I need that feeling. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to talk about it, I mean really talk about it with the ones closest to me. I hope one day I will be.