Work has been challenging lately. Some of it is due to the anxiety I feel with a new semester about to start. I am ready to be done with school. I like the grad program I am in, but never really felt like I belonged with the rest of my classmates. I never really fit in, and maybe some of that is my own fault, but either way I am ready for it to be done – but I am not looking forward to this last semester. I dread the homework, the papers, the group projects and the studying. I dread knowing I will not get a day off to just relax. There is a light though at the end of this tunnel – only a few more months until I am done with my degree (barring any unexpected things that come up).
But about work…there is a fairly new supervisor working. His personality, mannerism, and passive aggressive tendencies remind me a lot of a person who used to abuse me as a child. It has been challenging trying to navigate through this. Usually I will keep my distance, but there are sometimes it is not possible given the close proximity in which we all work together. On particularly tough days where he is in a negative mood, I am instantly triggered. I feel like I am 13 again not knowing what to do or how to control my situation. I feel like the little kid who has done something wrong and needs to be punished. Why else would this person be in a bad mood if it wasn’t for me messing something up? This is a situation I had yet to really encounter in my life (on a continuous basis) after being away from the abuse for years. I don’t get it. I am an independent adult in control of my actions and choices. Why is it that this one person, whom I have no connections to, can affect me so much?
I almost came home one day so upset that I almost SIed. What stopped me is some rational thinking. I was able to identify where the feeling was coming from and separate the supervisor from the person who abused me growing up. However…I still feel like I am in this weird, inferior and triggered state whenever I see this supervisor. This is new for me and I am not sure how to handle it. I won’t give him the power to make me so upset and ashamed in which I need to SI – he is not worth that. But I still don’t like having the thoughts and feelings. Short of quitting my job, I am not sure what to do. This anxiety coupled with the school anxiety has not been helpful for me lately.