I feel very childish, but I guess that’s how I need to feel. I only want to think about being with my therapist and feeling safe– being able to talk from a part I won’t share with anyone else– because no one else is safe to share it with. It’s too vulnerable. I really didn’t think I was going to make it much longer, but, amazingly, seeing him turned things around. Now when I’m feeling turmoil instead of going to urges I’m going to just thinking of him. Of not having to listen to any of my confusion– just listen to him. That is very soothing.
I have a level of anxiety around that. I think I am too fixated. I have a hard time imagining that I could possibly not be bad because somehow feed on my attachment. It keeps things in order– my mind in order. And there’s havoc when there are changes. Changes are probably what got me into trouble in the first place. I feel badly about that. I’m also pretty sure I heard him talking about me to someone on the phone before I went in and that feels weird. I’d like to know about that.
A group I’ve been in for over 4 years is ending in a couple weeks– or at least both he and I are leaving it. I’ve written here several times about what was going on in therapy and have gotten the comment that we seem to be on the right track. I’m very scared now because he is moving to a new clinic and I am going to follow him. There are checks and balances– it’s one public clinic into a new one. I have a psychiatrist too where I am now and will have one at the new place. My life has changed radically during the course of treatment, but I’ve transferred my dependance onto him. I confided that when I first felt it happening and he said that that was good, we were going to handle it very differently than I have experienced it before. I was shocked by that response. I thought I had done something terrible. Right now I feel like I have done something terrible by being the one patient coming with him. I don’t know what that means about me. It seems to imply that I am very bad– though that makes no rational sense to me. I’m fairly certain that I am the one who would loose it if the relationship was severed, with the added bonus that the new place is a better fit for me. But I’m feeling stress about the change, stress at leaving the group– that will be very sad and I am scared that I won’t be ok without it. And I am scared it is somehow unsafe to be different than everyone else. No one else gets to come. And I’m terrified about talking about any of if until we are safely on the other side.
There was supposed to be a break in the treatment for the holidays, but I got all the way to the end of what I can handle. From the stress of that separation? (shame). From the stress of the big change? From stress at home?
My work life has been pretty smooth and I am pretending like I don’t exist. I just work and disappear. I feel like I need to stay disappeared until after the change.
And somehow have some faith that he doesn’t think I am bad. I think that’s all I really needed to know– he doesn’t think I am bad. Then I can relax a bit.
Next week there isn’t a session scheduled. I need to call him because I wasn’t really communicating by the time he tried to book one. But I wasn’t supposed to have one… plan a was that I would be just fine on my own for a few weeks. But I screwed that up. How could I not be bad?
I think I am too dependent. From the outside I look very independent, but I’m actually very clingy– just only to one person. And luckily I have that now in a structured relationship so it is safe. But it is very painful.