This is my first Christmas not being with my family 🙁 of course I’m with my partner and our little family but not my brother and sisters and parents. First one ever 🙁 even when they lived half way across the country in Texas we drove out there. It just didn’t work out this year with work. They live 8 hours away now, not too long. Also no one let me know until a couple weeks ago because they assumed I couldn’t go because I work retail. That really hurt my feelings. It’s true, I couldn’t have gone but whatever, it’s the thought. We face timed a little so that’s cool, and I got annoyed because I read into everything too much and every word and every facial expression. Why can’t I just be grateful ??? I’ve been having dreams of self harm and drinking and I feel like drinking so bad but these are the times the “rubber hits the road” and I need to put to use what I’ve learned in therapy. WHY do I want to drink and hurt myself, what am I REALLY feeling? I slept a lot today, my stomach hurts really bad and now I’m anxious and shaky and cold and hot because I worry I have some crazy disease. Probably just a stomach ache. I’m glad I have someone with me who can remind me that I do this all the time and all the time it feels real to me. I wish I could focus on all the good and not the pain. But the pain is always here, sometimes it’s a dull ache, sometimes it’s a throbbing pain and sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t do anything but curl up in bed and wait until it passes-usually it breaks with tears, like a fever would. I’m going to go relax with my partner and my fuzzy babies and watch my movies and try to stay in gratitude. I’m tired of the constant pain that I always think goes away and then it comes back with a vengeance and I wonder if it will ever be gone all the way or if pain tolerance is my only option for life. Merry Christmas everyone <3