I’ve been reading things on here for awhile but not really posting. Sometimes I just know there are things my friends won’t understand at all and I kind of need to type this out right now. I don’t think I’m quite ready to admit this out loud because when I think it I just feel silly.
I have a date on Sunday for the first time in awhile. My last several relationships we were friends first so the awkward dating and getting to know each other phase was really just hanging out with friends. This is a real date though. We met last week and have talked a bit. So far he seems really nice. We decided to meet up on Sunday for dinner.
Everything seems cool but I’m not great with new people. I don’t trust anyone and have recently been struggling with a lot of anxiety. My friends think it will be good for me to go out and date but I keep thinking that means I have to eat in front of someone I barely know! Although I’ve never struggled with an eating disorder exactly I have struggled with those thoughts for a long time. I always try to be healthy and I know that eating disorders are not but I am constantly upset with how I look. I’m never happy with my weight and although I know I’m healthy and the doctors say I’m healthy the thought of eating in front of people has always been a problem for me. Even when I think it I feel crazy so I can’t tell my friends who are only trying to be supportive and encouraging.
My other anxiety about dating is my scars. Thankfully it is winter and I don’t have to worry about them being exposed. I always know that conversation is coming. I’m at the point where sometimes I can answer people when they ask with a really strong truthful answer but other times I wince inside and wish I could just forget they are there. As much as I try to embrace that they are part of my past and I am stronger for getting through that it’s just hard sometimes. I feel a bit more validated now that I’ve actually written this down. I’m sure things will be fine I just need to let myself relax and try to enjoy myself. If only it were as easy as it sounds