I SI and I know that I shouldn’t.

With the encouragement of a friend, I actually reached out and contect a place for help. I got a reply back today about it. After reading it, I truly see what I’m worth as a whole. In my email to them, I told them that I SI and that I have done other things a couple of times and that I’m having those thoughts.

This is what I got back:

Thank you for contacting Oaklawn. Please contact our Outpatient Access Center at xxx-xxx-xxxx. Our counselors there will be able to assess your situation, assist in scheduling an appointment and determine your needs for services.

It’s taking everything in me not to go and grab my tool and use it. It’s just all the other places that I have turned to for help. I get the brush off. It’s like they don’t care when they are suppose to. They don’t see the pain that I’m in so I don’t matter to them.

I guess I should start at the beginning some. The first time I SI-ed was my Junior year of high school (1990). I was having problems at home, at school and in the relationship I was in. I didn’t kow how to deal with what I was feeling. Iinjured myself. When I was done, I actually felt better and was calm. I kept doing that through the year to get by.

I got a little better for a while. I didn’t SI for a couple of years. My next cases of it wasn’t until I thought that I was losing everything that I loved. My daughter. Which I actually did. I SI-ed, a paramedic liked me and did nothing. Didn’t ask what was wrong. I started to get the feeling then that I didn’t matter.

I got better once again until things went for the worse. That time, I didn’t SI. Instead, I drank way too much. I was going out twice a week and spending almost a whole paycheck on liquor. Hititng two or three bars those nights and closing the last one down. That lasted a couple of months.

Again, I got better after a while. I got into another relationship and that helped keep my mind on something positive. For a while, I felt like I was loved. That was a cruel joke though. Once we moved back into where she grew up, she became another person. By then, we were married and had a son. Like what happened with my daughter, I ended up losing my son. I didn’t SI. I tried something much worse but failed. I didn’t walk away unharmed though. I was sick for weeks afterwards.

I had sort of learned my lesson and was good for several years. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I relapsed. Getting tattoos helped in some ways but not completely. Certain things I still couldn’t handle. My emotions are one of them. It was the only way I could deal with the emotions taht I was feeling. I way of blocking them out and not having to deal with them.

I still SI but I’ve been trying to be good. Since comign to this site, I have been able to find people to talk to and get some help. The first one no longer talks to me. The second one I talk to often but I feel like I’m burdening them with all the problems and thoughts that I’m having.

Over the past two months, I have only SI-ed once but I’ve also done something else. It’s been hard not to do anything. I see one of my tools and I want to use it. But I don’t. I don’t know what time with tell but I do know that it won’t be anything good……..