My mood is all over the place today. I have been happy, elated, down, frustrated and outright angry. It is the end of the semester and a few weeks before a new one – my last one- begins. Maybe it is the change in routine, the lack of structure, the not knowing how to relax properly, and the feeling that I am not being productive or social that has me feeling all over the place. Maybe also now that I have more “free” time I realize how lonely I am, and how desperately I want some good friends to call up and hang out with.
I feel like I can’t sit still, and when I do I feel like I need to be up doing something. I am/was so used to being on the go. Now, the down time I have (that I desperately wished would come) is now here and I feel lost. I feel pent up and my emotions feel pent up.
Maybe it is the season. I am used to holidays alone and most of the time I don’t mind as I prefer the quietness. But seeing all the holiday movies and knowing what this holiday means for families and communities makes me a bit bitter. I long for something I don’t have but then get angry at myself that I am not appreciating what I do have.
I got so angry today at myself for being angry and frustrated that my automatic thought went to the need to SI. It is so unusual these days to feel like that and then when it comes – just so suddenly and automatic like – it is a very unnerving. Thankfully the self-control steps in, but it doesn’t take away that desire in that moment. I would like to have a less harmful thought when I feel like that. Why can’t an automatic thought be to hug something soft and soothing? Why do I resort to thoughts of anger and self harm? What is this need to punish and take my frustrations out on myself?