This is a bad time for me. It always is around this time of year. This is the time of the year when I truly see how things are. I see what I mean to the people that I know. With that, I always feel more and more alone. Like it really doesn’t matter what I do anymore.
For a while, I thought I could use my writing as a way to channel everything that I felt. Put my feelings and emotions there so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. For a while, it actually worked. Until it got to the point that it was starting to become too real for me. I was starting to have dreams about the places and people I was writing about.
Normally, I wouldn’t care about that. But now, I’ve been having to force myself to avoid writing about certain things. Instead of just my feelings of not being loved and wanting to be, all of my other feelings have started to work their way in. My anger and my rage.
As much as that can be useful in some of my writing, it’s not something that I want to feel most of the time. I know how to satisfy it but it’s not something I want to do. I’ve been good so far but it’s getting harder and harder. I want to grab my tool and use it. To get rid of the feelings that I have at least for a short period of time.
I could do it. I’ve made no promises to anyone. No body would really care if I did it or not. No one would see what I have done except me. No one would notice if I was in any kind of pain afterwards since they don’t notice the pain that I’m in already.
What worries me the most is that I might not be able to stop myself this time. That I might not be able to put my tool down or I will grab a different one to use all together. Yes, I have several tools.
I guess what I’m scared of the most is that something that I have dreamt might come true. It’s not something that I can talk about on here though.