a while back I started SI as a sort of coping mechanism when everything seem too overwhelming. I tried to leave no permanent damage, and I still think that’s a good idea. Unfortunately, when I was doing it originally, I escalated things more and more, eventually developing an eating disorder. After that I leaned on one of my friends, who also SIs, but she more dragged me down more than helped. Eventually she got me doing something illegal and we got busted by the cops. After that, I pretty much broke most ties with her and most other people because I got grounded. That’s when things got really out of control. I couldn’t stop SI, I just needed to do it, didn’t even think about it, didn’t want to think at all. I think at some point I realized that I was depressed, not just with little things or at particular times, but all the time. I either felt lethargic and weighed down in my chest, or cold and distant and angry, or empty and lifeless. But I dealt with it. Every day. And after a while, one of my friends ratted on my eating disorder to my school and in turn my parents. I denied everything, and my parent’s believed me. When I found out which friend it was, I was so angry. I had trusted this person, and I rarely trust anyone. But I realized they were trying to help me, even if they were just making things worse. After that, i don’t know, I kind of just slowly stopped. It might have been seeing concern from my friends and family. It might have been that I was so sick of people telling me, “I’m here if you want to talk” or ,”you really need to stop”, or “you know ________ can cause………”. It might just have been that I was angry at my friend for getting me in trouble with the cops. I know I was so mad at her, especially when she said she was going to help me; that we could help each other stop. and then she ignored me. Kept doing illegal things. and I realized I didn’t want to be anything like her. After that, I just kind of stopped. Not immediately, but over time. I dropped my eating disorder, but gained a lot of weight. I only SI when triggered, for a reason, like being ignored or being put down by my parents, or feeling fat. And then, I just didn’t need it anymore. For some reason.
Unfortunately, even though I was able to stop my SI, I still was depressed. My parents got me talking to a shrink. I didn’t like her, still don’t. I found myself lying more and more, almost compulsively. Over exaggerating stories, even making them up, to my shrink, my parents, even my friends. I didn’t even have to think about it, it just happened, with out me even consenting to lie. Overtime, I gained my parent’s trust back with my lies, but I feel more than ever that I can’t tell them the truth about how I feel- about anything. I’m near being ungrounded, nearly four months later, and I’m still depressed and angry. I’m resentful at my parents at keeping me locked up for so long for a minor infringement. I feel like I need to be perfect since I’m the older child. And I angry at them for not understand how I feel, even if I try to tell them, and that’s still my fault because I can’t find the right words. I feel like my sister constantly puts me down and we fight all the time. Sometimes we scream at each other about stupid, tiny things. Other times, I don’t try to bug her, but she finds me at fault anyway and makes me feel awful. But I mostly cause my own problems. I feel responsible for anything remotely connected to me. I cry at other people’s pain and problems. I feel guilty for anything that remotely negatively impacts anyone, especially my family. I feel guilty for everything… I feel horrible any time people spend money on me and feel shy when people ask me about what I want. And that leads me to today. I started SI again today. I don’t know what caused it, I just felt more awful with every day. I shy away from people and I crave them to want to know, to help, to understand. I just want someone to magically read my mind and come up with perfect words and explain everything to make sense and make it better. But I know that that is impossible and I just need to suck it up. Figure it out and stop hurting my body. I’m mad at myself more than anything and constantly sad. I just can’t feel normal, I don’t know if I ever really did…..