I’ve always wanted to have my own diary, but doing it the old fashioned way hurt from all the thoughts I wanted to write down. I tried to type it on my computer but realized I didn’t have an organized system on here. I became a member of another website five years ago, and it was helpful, but there are people on the sight who can be hurtful and do not understand what a person who self harm’s, goes through. I’m not saying we are all alike. I wish I better understood life, then maybe I wouldn’t be feeling the need to write what I’m thinking down. When I was 11 I asked for a voice recorder for Christmas so I could record my thoughts, but I thought I sounded stupid playing it back to myself.

A little about me.

Im 23, born July 4, 1990. I’m a young woman who has lived in a house of my own since I was 19. I have a cat, and a dog. I have trust issues beyond what I can explain. When I was 16 my brother and my mother where talking outside of the car. I was sitting in the back of the car when my brother saw the scars on me and he automatically interrupted my mother to tell her what was on me. She had been in the middle of saying something to him when he did this so she looked confused and he repeated himself. She looked from him to me, and decided to ignore it and continued with what she was talking about. No one ever brought it up again. This year my mother saw the scars for herself (by accident) and was shocked. Claiming she had no idea. My family sees it as something in pass-tense but it is very much apart of me today. I struggle with it every day.  I like to think I’m strong enough not to tell people how I’m feeling because I was told it wasn’t normal to share your feelings, but honestly, I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in where my life is. All the years I was told “it gets better” even when I tried to do something about it, it never got better. I’m disappointed because I’ve reached out, asked for help and I still got nothing, I’m just a nobody. I told my family a number of times I need help with my depression but they just told me it was apart of my personality and dismissed me. When I was of age I saw a doctor on my own who did a great job at ignoring me when I told her the meds she put me on where making me pass out in my car. She told me the meds didn’t do that and made me spend $300 to have my thyroid tested which came out normal. Two nights ago I called the suicide hotline six times. Each person did not make me feel comfortable talking to them. I spoke to one woman, Olivia with a different program and I did open up with her, but I was still disappointed to find out all they are there for is to put me on a list. A list to be passed off to someone else.  How can I continue to ask for help, when I always end up with people who want to pass me off or ignore me? Sometimes I want to quit.