Maybe if I write out what’s in my head I’ll be able to let some of it go and study for my final exams. I’ve been laying in my bed for three hours wanting with all my heart to want to get out of bed. I forced myself to get up and shower and eat breakfast and drink some coffee, I fed my animals and have my cats their medicine. The I went back to my room to get my school work and study and I laid back down. I’m thinking of drinking, of taking all the pills in my house, of hurting myself. At the same time,
I’m thinking that if I can just hang on, just get through it and know it feels bad and uncomfortable but that it will pass and I’ll be ok. I’ve felt ashamed of myself before for having mental illness and I feel it again. I hear that voice in my head saying that I’m stupid and weak and defective and I’ll always be in this circle, over and over again. Be good for a few months, stay clean and sober and then slowly slide downwards. I watched this video on YouTube last night that reminded me of all the reasons why I question the existence of God, I wish I hadn’t of watched it because the little bit of faith I do have in a higher spirit is the only thing that is keeping me sober. I feel so tired I can barely keep my eyes open but I slept all night. I see no purpose, no god, no life after death, no healing, no progress. Like I said, I want to want. Despite this dialogue going on inside of me, I’m trying to hold on. I’m don’t want to self harm again, I did it on Friday and like every other time it provided me with a few seconds of release and as quick as it came it was gone and it hurt.
Words flood my mind, tears filled my eyes after I read your post. That was my mind set 2 years ago, I was broken, used up, weak and hopeless. Friend, I hear your cry! Don’t lose hope and hang on to that faith with all you’ve got. There is a God that sees you and he knows your pain, he can heal you if you let him.
He did it for me. I’m a walking sign of his grace and love. I’m 29 years old and I have attempted to take my own life several times. I didn’t feel my life was worth the pain it was causing me, oh but was I wrong. I still struggle with small things today, but I’m human and we are imperfect. I have also been diagnosed with bipolar disorder so I understand that mood swings, it can be a terrifying roller coaster at some points, I know those. But just within the last 1.5 years I’ve been off my medicine and I work through those up and downs with the lords help and the many people he has brought into my life that support me. I’ve been a self injury for the past, I don’t know, 9 years maybe and i can say there hope there too.
If you take away anything I’ve said, please get this, I don’t know you, but I promise I understand your pain and you are not alone. There’s a God out there who desires your heart. Give it to him and let him begin to heal you. Don’t lose heart !
The only thing keeping me going is this after thought “you’re not suppose to WANT to hurt yourself.” I want to everyday. I wanted to last night and I knew it was a matter of time. My tool is in my car, and its snowing outside, but that wouldn’t stop me. I decided I needed to leave or I would do it, I’d hurt myself. So I put to pants on, two coats on, and I grabbed my dogs leash and we walked in the snow and walked the ten minutes to my parents house. I knew if I drove there tool would fallow me to my parents. I want to get it over with. Its been a month since the last time I did it. I enjoy hurting myself. I realized quickly what I was doing, that I was hurting myself. I had started doing this when it have been two years sober of self harm. I feel weak, and just want to drift into peace that doesn’t exist.