Maybe if I write out what’s in my head I’ll be able to let some of it go and study for my final exams. I’ve been laying in my bed for three hours wanting with all my heart to want to get out of bed. I forced myself to get up and shower and eat breakfast and drink some coffee, I fed my animals and have my cats their medicine. The I went back to my room to get my school work and study and I laid back down. I’m thinking of drinking, of taking all the pills in my house, of hurting myself. At the same time,
I’m thinking that if I can just hang on, just get through it and know it feels bad and uncomfortable but that it will pass and I’ll be ok. I’ve felt ashamed of myself before for having mental illness and I feel it again. I hear that voice in my head saying that I’m stupid and weak and defective and I’ll always be in this circle, over and over again. Be good for a few months, stay clean and sober and then slowly slide downwards. I watched this video on YouTube last night that reminded me of all the reasons why I question the existence of God, I wish I hadn’t of watched it because the little bit of faith I do have in a higher spirit is the only thing that is keeping me sober. I feel so tired I can barely keep my eyes open but I slept all night. I see no purpose, no god, no life after death, no healing, no progress. Like I said, I want to want. Despite this dialogue going on inside of me, I’m trying to hold on. I’m don’t want to self harm again, I did it on Friday and like every other time it provided me with a few seconds of release and as quick as it came it was gone and it hurt.