How my life has changed in the past few years. A few years ago my mom was so sick she was calling me and telling me she didn’t want to live and passing out from her pills. My family didn’t accept me or my relationship. I was drinking and using and self harming.
Now my family mostly accepts me and my partner. I’m not actively drinking and I haven’t used drugs in over two years. I’m still self harming sometimes, not as often. That’s why I’m blogging now. I feel like hurting myself in a way I haven’t in a long time. Usually I self harm impulsively, when I get mad or sad really quick. Now I feel this deep sadness, SI seems like it will comfort me, I feel ugly compared to my brother and sisters. They’re all so thin and fashionable and attractive and I’ve gained weight and I’m not much into clothes or anything like that. My body type has never been like them from the start, I’ve never been thin like my sisters or my brother. Yea I’ve gained weight and gone up and down with that over the years with my ED but I’ve never been naturally shaped like them. I’m jealous and I can’t tell you how bad I feel about myself when I’m around them. So bad. And I feel ashamed. I just needed to write that. I can’t even say it out loud. I’m being so up and down the past two weeks. Feeling that abandonment feeling so intensely when plans change or tonight when my Dad didn’t remember something or when my therapist had to cancel yesterday because she has the fly or when my two friends backed out of going to a meeting with me. Some of those things are understandable things to be upset about or feel bad about but I feel rage towards that person, hatred, I want to hurt myself so they know how much they hurt me.
All in all, I have much to be thankful for. Mostly my health and my family and their health and the love of my partner and our relationship and being sober.