I am getting rejected for an opportunity that I really want. Others are more qualified for it so those people will get it while I have to graciously step aside and act like I do not feel the rejection. It is so hard not to feel bad. It is hard not to want to punish myself because I apparently made mistakes and was not good enough to be one of the chosen. I was optimistic and dreamed – maybe too much – and now I feel crushed.
I am struggling with trying to be self-compassionate and objective. I want to SI. Obviously I did something wrong or was not good enough for someone and therefore I need to punish myself for allowing myself to be like that. When I say/write it it sounds a bit dramatic and extreme, but I am hurting and I am angry. I wanted that opportunity so bad, and while I know there is always a chance things don’t work out, I was sabotaging myself thinking that things will work out – they have to because I wanted it so much- more than anyone else. Well, now I am sitting here trying to hold back the tears, sadness and disappointment. I am trying to avoid retreating and becoming isolated because of how I feel. I start to hate myself and feel pessimistic about the future and finding something else.
I am having a difficult time. Maybe it will get better with time, but right now I want to SI. I messed up and need to punish myself.
First of all, I noticed you keep saying you “messed up and need to punish yourself”. That is simply false. Though there is always room for one to improve him/herself, you shouldn’t attack yourself so harshly about it. Think of it this way, maybe it was them. They did something that you simply could not. And that does not make you wrong, or bad, or any less amazing then you are. Keep your head up, because even if your heart is heavy now, there will always be more opportunities out there. Keep a sharp eye out for them.
You are not your failures.