I am getting rejected for an opportunity that I really want. Others are more qualified for it so those people will get it while I have to graciously step aside and act like I do not feel the rejection. It is so hard not to feel bad. It is hard not to want to punish myself because I apparently made mistakes and was not good enough to be one of the chosen. I was optimistic and dreamed – maybe too much – and now I feel crushed.

I am struggling with trying to be self-compassionate and objective. I want to SI. Obviously I did something wrong or was not good enough for someone and therefore I need to punish myself for allowing myself to be like that. When I say/write it it sounds a bit dramatic and extreme, but I am hurting and I am angry. I wanted that opportunity so bad, and while I know there is always a chance things don’t work out, I was sabotaging myself thinking that things will work out – they have to because I wanted it so much- more than anyone else. Well, now I am sitting here trying to hold back the tears, sadness and disappointment. I am trying to avoid retreating and becoming isolated because of how I feel. I start to hate myself and feel pessimistic about the future and finding something else.

I am having a difficult time. Maybe it will get better with time, but right now I want to SI. I messed up and need to punish myself.