I’ve been back on the right track for about 10 days now. I’ve seen the way that old thinking crept up– how it was made of– no problem, I’ve got everything under control– I can manage everything on my own. Pure drive at one goal– work life/school life– the total dropping my inner self, then that part of me splintering off and I end up without all of me in the same pot– then I’m injuring. I wish I could point to a single stressor. Such a layered cake. The injuring was happening in the morning– a sort of way to face the day. I was waking up stressed and disoriented. Last night I dreamed that a friend called me from the hospital– she was so depressed– I talked her down. Had her agree to spend the night with me instead of alone. In real life I don’t have friends that are that close. Yesterday I talked down a stranger. Or near-stranger. A client where I work was having a conflict on the street with a neighbor. My boss took the neighbor and I took the woman– told her I wasn’t going to leave her– that I was sorry she had the experience that now we were here together — soon she would be out of there and she’s going to go on to have a relaxing evening. It shocked me how naturally it happened. My boss and I work together really well anyway but the natural, non-verbal way we took up different roles….
I hurt myself by slipping on the way to work yesterday and it hurts now. I have an issue with a foot and it kept cramping and wouldn’t let go until I took a muscle relaxer. That muscle relaxer interfered some with my sleep. Once a month there’s a very intense day at work and that was yesterday– easier yesterday than when I did it last month– improvement. And I have a big longer term plan to make it easier… But stress. I actually remembered to breathe long exhales and it helped. But I feel so much shame around that– I want breathing stuff to stay in it’s compartment– I don’t want it all in my work area. ….but I can’t manage alone. I need help.
And there’s a medical thing that really needs tending it– must have a biopsy– and I have now put it off for 6/7 weeks– haven’t been to the doctor. I don’t even know what to type after that. I am taking a chance with my life that I do not want to take. I do not want to behave the way I am behaving. My mind just falls apart over this. Lots of procrastination and tricking myself that it’s ok when it is not ok. And forgetting about it during the hours that I could do something about it.
So I woke up this morning the way I woke up when I was hurting myself in the morning not too long ago. I’ve gotten rid of tools. I thought about distress tolerance. Active things that are helpful seem too hard. But I watched tv. That was good. I’ve lived without tv forever but got not too long ago and it is making me feel more connected to the world. I am finding myself wanting to let the world in a bit more. I am interested in what’s going on. My own life isn’t so loud that there is no space left.
What started me writing is that I have things to do today. Some of them– like laundry and grocery shopping could be put off. Some– like homework I do not want to put off. A trip to the hardware store cannot be put off….. Or, I don’t know. I know that I woke up and still do feel unanchored, disoriented, spacey, and I see that I am in a state that is a warning sign that I need to stop and do self care. If I choose to neglect myself, I will start to be more fractured. I had the thought that perhaps I needed to think of the day as a sick day. But I don’t want to be sick. I thought of it as sick because my therapist made an interpretation of something as me getting better. He was accurate. I’m really confused.