I guess that I should start this with saying that I SI’ed last week. Nothing really triggered me into doing it. It was just something that I felt I needed to do.
I guess, maybe, I was started to feel like something that I don’t want to be. Human. Alive. With everything that I’ve been through in my life, that’s one thing that I don’t want anymore. Each and every time that I do, something goes wrong.
For a long time, I thought that I had to take the bad with the good. At one point, I had to let my ex-wife move in with me just so I could spend time with my daughter. It worked for a while but I still ended up losing my daughter in the end. We don’t have any kind of relationship at all. She has a daughter that I don’t get to see and a son on the way that I will never meet.
For many, that could be trigger to SI. But for me, it’s part of my life. I haven’t really had anyone in it that truly cared about how I am or how I’m doing. I know that I can write all of this here since no one knows who I am. Like in real life, I’m a no body. I could get off of here and disappear and no one would miss me unless they needed something. I guess that’s what I call life.
I’m not writing all of this to justify any of my actions. I want people to learn from what I’m going through. Everyone is somebody. You have to treat people like they are. Understand what they are going through. Don’t judge others by their past.
Don’t act like that you understand someone just because you talk to them. Most of the people that I talk to have no clue what I’m going through most of the time. All the thoughts that I have to keep buried in my head. No, it’s not thoughts about wanting to hurt others. No one around me has truly done anything wrong for those thoughts. It’s thoughts about myself.
If I sat here and tried to explain everything, the mediator would probably not allow my post to be be posted at all. No amount of editting would do. It’s those things that I thought that I might be able to find help for on here. Not just my SI-ing but other things. But I’ve learning that no amount of help is going to help me completely. Either I have to suffer daily with my thoughts or I just have to act on them completely. Make all the suffering finally end once and for all.