I feel like I don’t know why I am reaching out for support of what support even is. Unless a robot can invade my body and live for me… I am being so childish. I am having a temper tantrum inside of myself. I just can’t take it and I don’t know what “it” is. I feel frantic.
I have learning. I have learning that this is not from the sky. There must be a prompting event. I do not want to die. I want goodness and health. But everything just feels too hard for me right now. I feel like I am trying to convince myself that I can make it when I know that is not the truth. My thoughts are lying to me. They are saying that I am hopeless. A dramatic, hysterical very dumb girl who can look good on the outside but just does stupid things.
I hear my friends walking down the street in front of my house. I feel so torn. I want very much to plunge into two directions. I want to separate and live on both of the channels.
I do feel angry with someone. That may be contributing.
I am also due to go to same friend’s birthday party. I am not an alcoholic but I don’t like being in bars and that’s where it is. Oh! I was just folding my laundry and in my head I was having a conversation with my therapist about how I drank at the party and then I was not on guard and I hurt myself. He was telling me not to drink. And then my thoughts were back on the sofa, on the laundry, and I was so glad that I was about to have a good excuse to hurt myself–just one last time– and pass it off on drinking.
Then I put the laundry away and I came here. So I am doing good. I see a vulnerability ahead. I wouldn’t even go to the party if she wasn’t my only close friend. I don’t get close to people, and she likes parties and I try to please her by showing up– but that isn’t true. I often show up and have a rewarding time socializing. But going to socialize is a little stressful, then socializing in a bar is scary.
I wish I was another person.