I have called my sponsor and I will go to a meeting tomorrow. I have to take the steps to ensure my life stays safe and stays on the good-thinking track. I’m thinking about SI I did last week. Not sure how to process that. Not sure — or sure I cannot– speak out loud about how soothing I find it. Even now that my thinking has really changed and I don’t want to move in that direction.. and it is a direction–not something I can separate from the rest of life and maintain. There’s a 12 step slogan about look back but don’t stare. I don’t think I should stare are what happened. I think the way to look without staring is just turn it over. I cannot control the past. There is no fruit in trying to figure out…. or maybe that’s not right. The dbt path would be to really understand prompting events, etc. I’ve never been able to complete a whole chain of event like that bc I just get to foggy to fast. So if it isn’t going to work it isn’t going to be effective to try.
I need to just keep (re-start) aligning myself with what is good for me. A meeting will help with the horrible guilt I feel for leaving the house to go to a meeting. Which will be beneficial in and of itself, and hopefully help me navigate how to do self-care, parenting, a career, and school. Duh that it’s hard to do all of that. That is the starting place.
I feel so driven because I feel like I have so much catching up to do. But if I topple my health with my drive that is not effective. And it always happens– over these past 4/5 years– I take a step toward greater health then something in the system the falls apart. It’s been a lot of steps of strength, disturbing the homeostasis, crisis, stabilizing, being stable, another step forward, disturbing the homeostasis, crisis, stabilizing, being stable, another step forward, repeat, repeat, repeat. And life is soooo much better now. In retrospect it has all been worth it. Now is the stabilizing part. I’ve been here a million times before. I did not think I would be revisiting it — I thought life was just *better*. It is better. I am not in exactly the same spot I have ever been in– it’s a spiral staircase– and at every sticky point in the spiral I have more experience under my belt.
At the same time, I’m mad. And I’m allowed to be angry. What, exactly is upsetting me? I guess that it’s so hard. Not what I signed up for. How I did feel was hopeless– that was the general tone that lead to real trouble. I don’t feel hopeless now. I think I’m going to make it. What I want for myself is a long period of stability. The way it looks right now is being able to maintain a job was the last final piece that needed to be put into place. I do want to do side work too and make more money, and I want to maintain my creative career, and I want to go back to getting regular exercise… those all feel like catch 22 and it’s final straws that can break the camels back. It won’t work either way because that’s stuff that my mental health depends on….. but i just feel so guilty taking even more time away from my son. I do remember times where I felt this level of guilt and life always got smoother after I got over it. That outcome seems implausible this time around, I’m spread so thin, but who knows. I am not not yet in the part of the cycle where I get a semi-stable life for a while, and that is oddly a cheerful thought to think. It means there could be so stability coming. 12 step can help me. blah blah blah blah.