Ive injured two nights in a row. I dont know why. I didnt NEED it per say. But I mean, it helped. I dont know what im doing. My social circle is growing between work and school. Im really struggling to hold a balance between work, school, and my personal life. I dont want to turn down the new friends ive made (and ill get to that in a minute) but i cant share my stories with them. In school we have to do “therapy sessions” and my instructor wants us to use real life scenarios. So last night my issues were SI. Yeah, but I cant share that. My classmates wouldnt get it. I know its a therapy course, I know were all in graduate school in a helping line of work, but every time self injury or eating disorders come up everyone has all these negative comments about them! Or they say its scary and they dont know how to handle it. Well, im not going to start sharing. So i start goofing off and being irrelevant. And thank goodness it didnt affect my grade, but still. So I feel totally fake at school. I feel like im this person Im really not and my classmates dont even know who I am. But at the same time, I dont know if I want them to. My group is very close, we talk a lot, get together a lot and work very well together. Then again, I still cant tell them, and its almost been a year weve worked together in class. Whatever though, if im not ready to share Im not ready to share. Then I started a new job working in a group home. Its hard sometimes, but its so rewarding! I love my job I really do. I have awesome people to work with, amazing kids that Im working with. And on a totally opposite note, my coworker that ive known for maybe a month knows all about my si, ed and relationships. Idk what it is, when we work together I start spilling out all my secrets. Its so odd cuz thats not like me at all. Idk, either way , no one knows Im still injuring. And by no one i mean no one but the blog I guess. Its not something im too happy to admit at almost 25. Idk how I ended up still injuring all these years later. So idk, its weird having all these new people that I talk to. I feel like my best friend in college is so far away, but then again we talk every single day. So I dont think our relationship has changed at all. Then my other best friend is just blah, we have a great time together, I love her really I do, but sometimes she just isnt the person I can be myself with. Heck, idk who I can be myself with. I dont know anyone who really knows the extent of my problems, so i guess it doesnt really matter who I hang out with. Being super social scares me, because this isnt who ive been. Ive been in such a tight nutshell for so long. Ive been working, going to school, working, and going to school so much I never do anything. In the last month ive gone out with people I barely know, had a great time, gone to bars with classmates and partied. This isnt me. And im scared. Like, this isnt what im really used to. Then to top it ALLLLLL off, two days ago my mom compliments me saying “oh have you been losing weight? you look great!?” and then yesterday she says “oh, yeah idk what it was yesterday, your back to normal”. Uuuuuhhhh really mom??? Like of course that triggered my bad eating habits and left me injuring. Like I dont understand how someone can just say that. These are the type of comments that really bother me, and scare me when I think of working out again. I think, well what if im doing all this work and no one thinks its helping. And to top it off I hate talking about my weight. No one gets it. Like everytime I see family they make SOME sort of comment about my weight. Like who are you to say something about my weight?! Like what do they think happens when one time everyone says “oh wow you look great!” and then two weeks later you dont say anything???? It doesnt help! At all. It just makes me want to have an ED much more than I already suffer from. Idk. I had it all under control after my big meltdown a while ago. I put all the pieces back together again and kept on going. I cant fall apart now. Its just not the right time. Oh man, ive complained enough, Ill go now.