When I first came to this site, I was looking to find help. Somewhere to go and talk and maybe help with the problems that I have. In some ways, it has helped. I’ve learned that I’m not alone in what I do and some of the feelings that I have. But, I have also learned that I am alone. The reasons that I SI and the triggers that I have are different.
I live alone. For the most part, I don’t see and talk to anyone once I get home from work. Which is fine. I’ve learned how to deal with the quietness of my life. I had goten a cat recently thinking that the company might help me a little bit. The thought being, having something else to take care of might take my mind off other things. It works to a point. But it does help completely.
All the thoughts that I want to do are still there. Even this morning when I woke up, I wanted to grab my tool and use it even though nothing has really happened. How could it? I was asleep.
It’s like I don’t really need a trigger to want to harm myself. In many ways, it’s like the only way that I can feel like I’m human. But in many ways, I don’t want to be. I push myself more and more about what I do. How hard I work and how little I eat. I’ve gone as far as to injure with food. Hoping for some kind of reaction. But nothing really happened.
Of the people outside of the site that knows what I going on with me, none seems to care. Either they don’t care or just don’t understand there is something bad going on inside of me. They don’t seem to understand all the demons that I have to keep buried inside my body just to survive one day. All the hurt and pain that I have to hide from the world just to make it seem like I fit in just for a moment. No one understands how much energy it takes to just make it through one day without losing it. Even that is becoming harder and harder though.
Maybe it would be easier if I just gave in. SI’ed until my thoughts were clear. Push my body and mind to the breaking point once again. To the point that I can barely move or think.