I want to try and recall and record some of the things my therapist said to me today.
-Do you think I am going to stop you?
-You did want to stop, last month.
-I think this is more important than your job or anything else. -I think you don’t know how good it is to have a job, after all this time. -What I am to point out is how important I think this is.
-What do you think the point of DBT is?
-To make life better
-and how do you think that relates
-my life is better
-…[something along the line of how I will not be able to maintain that and SI]
-I think there’s a connection between how spacey you were when you first came here and the behavior
-I don’t want to be spacey
-The private world and spaciness are kind of the same thing– the separate compartment
-Do you mean time or energy. Energy to resist the urges.
-Why do you want your son to eat?
-To grow up, be strong, and get out of my hair
-Do you think you should be strong both ways?
…..I guess it felt like I was being really strong, separating off. Taking care of things. It seemed letting my professional life and school life flourish to just give up and use SI to keep control…. to feel like I had the power to manage my personal life. Control. Because I want all my personal stuff to just shut up and let me excel where I excel.
I feel like a moronic parrot yapping the words that have been approved by some master. But, yes, ok. I get it. This was a bad turn and the thing to do now is get back with the program. Practically, the tools have to go. I’ve kept them by my bed for the last 6mnths at least and I liked just having them there, even though I didn’t want to use them. Once I get the ball rolling the chance of being able to just have them there is small– but I can’t conceive of how I can manage to give them up. But, ok, I need to stop. Again.