I self harmed. I am having a hard time being open and honest this time. I feel pressured to be perfect at recovery. I’m the only one pressuring myself, just my own perfectionism maybe. I admitted to my therapist and my sponsor and my partner I’ve been struggling and that was a lot harder than usual. I bought self harm tools a few days ago after work. Once I got alone and planned on doing it I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I should have thrown out those tools when I got in a healthier place later that day. I actually meant to. I went searching for a bottle of alcohol the other afternoon, I was home alone and I was feeling how I feel now, I don’t think I wanted to drink it and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have if I’d found it, I was telling myself I wanted to find it so I could pour it out in case I wanted to drink it. Those were some of my thoughts but my actions didn’t match, I was throwing things around searching frantically and crying to find this and my desperation wasn’t matching up with me just wanting to pour it out. I know from previous experience that I’m not in a safe place, I’m treading on dangerous water and I know it. Self harm didn’t do much for me today, I could say it quenched a thirst or something like that, played out a sick fantasy that I wish I didn’t have the urge to do in the first place. Usually I’m not too resentful and I don’t wallow around in self pity, I try to not be a “victim”, I don’t want to play my mom. Today though I really, really wish is never started self harm all those years ago and I’m disappointed in myself and I feel bad about my body, I feel ugly and unwanted, I feel like I’m doomed to always give in to the urge to self harm when things get painful enough.