I have done a wonderful job of not hurting myself, though I have really wanted to… or felt the urge to… I don’t know if I can say it’s my desire or not. It’s not a desire– it’s a giving in– giving up– checking out.
I’m thinking about how I have been like a soft piece of cloth that conforms to the shape of what it lays on. I’ve been like that. I think thats the ownership piece I need to understand how some really bad things happened.
I’m thinking about the meaning of boundaries– and how they mean that I matter.
I’ve had a big stressor- kid in the hospital- and I’m still trooping along. Even trooping along without my therapist. I’m pretty sure his mother died and I have been really distracted by my new job so it hasn’t been too hard not see him for a couple weeks– but now that that’s ending I think I’m wanting to collapse and just be caught. I’m not proud of that.
Things have been really uneven. I’ve felt like different people– sometimes so frail and scared– knowing who out of it I can get and seeing myself move in that direction– and then sometimes so strong. I’m really proud of my job. I’m good at it and I have a lot of responsibility. And I have, for the first time, some financial stability. The bounty of that moves me almost to tears. My moods are labile. I do not want to loose the job. I feel like I’d do anything to keep it. And I feel like the only real threat to me losing it is not being able to keep myself together through personal life challenges.
I need to be here reminding myself that if I hurt myself to cope with stress, that will make things worse. The number one thing I need to do is not make things worse. And if I hurt myself the disregulation rubs off on my kid, and I don’t want that either.
Sometimes stuff feels like more than I can bare. It feels that way now. I haven’t had the time for self-care that I need. And I don’t see how I’m going to make the time either. This is dangerous territory.