It has been a few months since I SI’d-and I am about to do it again. I seem to be self sabotaging in relationships, as today I was asked to leave my boyfriends house for a few days because he needed space from me after I screwed things up. (By kissing my ex, but I did not mean it as a romantic kiss, more of a goodbye forever lets end this chapter kiss). Regaurdless, he asked me to leave so here I sit on my friends computer at her house that is big and empty because I had no other place to go. No one is home-she is at work until 9. Last night I had a really hard fit battling with the urge to SI and my boyfriend was there for me through it all.. after not sleeping and immediately going from that to him finding out about the kiss before I could tell him has really set off the triggers in my mind. I want to be stronger than these urges, stronger than this addiction, but it is the only thing that makes me feel alive. I wish I knew how to stop this on my own since I had his help last night and now I am on my own. I feel like the walls are crumbling. I feel the same way now as when i joined this site in 2010 (I havent been active in awhile). It depresses me to think nothing will ever change and it scares me to think if i will always be stuck feeling this way and ruining my own life.