I have moments of selfishness and SI is related to it. In my program at school there is a lot of emphasis on self-reflection, growth and all that. Many people get personal in what they write about and trust our professors to honor what we disclose. I don’t announce my issues with SI in class (cause of the judgement I know will come my way from my peers). No one knows, but I do sometimes write about it knowing that a professor might read it. I don’t mind since SI is forever a part of me, and I feel our professors are less judgmental. I carry the scars forever and sometimes still struggle with what it all means so it is something I want to write about if appropriate for whatever assignment we are doing. Well, I guess what I feel weird about is the reaction (or lack of) from professors. Maybe it is my own fault for expecting something from someone who hears my story. I don’t know… I see other students get one on one feedback, but I guess my story doesn’t warrant the same compassion or attention.
But when I think about it this way I think of how extremely selfish it sounds of me. I should write the paper for me, not what I hope a professor will think or say.
SI and my recovery has been such a huge part of my life. I look at myself everyday and I am reminded of what every scar means. I guess it feels important to me so when I share it I want someone to notice it is important. Sometimes I just want that attention and acknowledgment. But then I think it should be enough that I have gotten through the dark periods of my life, the SI and the abuse. But I longed for support while I was going through all of it, and felt like I didn’t get what I really needed. I guess sometimes I long for that support now and try to get what I didn’t get earlier.
Does this make any sense? As a reread it I think maybe it doesn’t, but I feel better getting these thoughts out there.
I don’t view that as selfish at all. It sounds like maybe you still want and need some support. That’s perfectly normal and acceptable – we ALL need that now and then. About your papers in school – I guess something to consider is how you write the papers. Do you write them as if things are still a struggle? I don’t mean self injury – but maybe even just depression or anxiety? Or do you phrase it like “it’s all in the past” kind of a thing? I’m not trying to defend your professors, I don’t know them. But I am aware that sometimes people who self injure -whether it be past or present – can sometimes minimize their struggles.
Even if self injury is something that isn’t as much of a struggle today – you mentioned several things that still could be. What about going to the counseling center to try and speak with a therapist/counselor there? Get some support for the things that happened in your past, and try to get some of those valid and real needs met.
You are doing great by reaching out – you write here, and you’ve written in your papers. What about reaching out for some face to face support? I know it’s scary, but it also really can help change your life. If you can try and tell people directly what you need – there’s a better chance they’ll be able to meet your needs. Even asking to talk to one of your professors about those papers would be just fine. I hope you’ll do so.
Pam
(Clinical Therapist/blog moderator)
I don’t think it’s selfish at all to be validated or to wish for that. It makes perfect sense to me why you want that, and it’s hard when you don’t get what you wish for and deserve.
Im in a very similar situation. I shared in one of my recent papers about my si too, and the instructor was very helpful and nice about it. I hope you had good feedback!!