I have moments of selfishness and SI is related to it. In my program at school there is a lot of emphasis on self-reflection, growth and all that. Many people get personal in what they write about and trust our professors to honor what we disclose. I don’t announce my issues with SI in class (cause of the judgement I know will come my way from my peers). No one knows, but I do sometimes write about it knowing that a professor might read it. I don’t mind since SI is forever a part of me, and I feel our professors are less judgmental. I carry the scars forever and sometimes still struggle with what it all means so it is something I want to write about if appropriate for whatever assignment we are doing. Well, I guess what I feel weird about is the reaction (or lack of) from professors. Maybe it is my own fault for expecting something from someone who hears my story. I don’t know… I see other students get one on one feedback, but I guess my story doesn’t warrant the same compassion or attention.
But when I think about it this way I think of how extremely selfish it sounds of me. I should write the paper for me, not what I hope a professor will think or say.
SI and my recovery has been such a huge part of my life. I look at myself everyday and I am reminded of what every scar means. I guess it feels important to me so when I share it I want someone to notice it is important. Sometimes I just want that attention and acknowledgment. But then I think it should be enough that I have gotten through the dark periods of my life, the SI and the abuse. But I longed for support while I was going through all of it, and felt like I didn’t get what I really needed. I guess sometimes I long for that support now and try to get what I didn’t get earlier.
Does this make any sense? As a reread it I think maybe it doesn’t, but I feel better getting these thoughts out there.