I’ve been writing and re-writing that first line about 10 times now and this is the best I could come up with. I wish I had the skills to make this a nice pretty text to read. I wish I had the skills to build up to the point of the matter, but I don’t.
I am 24 years old and I haven’t S.I in about 2 years. When I first developed this ‘habit’, I was probably 14 and my life was a lot different then it is now. Generally speaking, I think I have little to complain about. I have my own place, a roommate I get on great with, I have friends that I’ve known for ages and that are all awesome people, my family isn’t all hat bad when you look at it objectively and I have a wonderful girlfriend who loves me deeply and whom I love just as much.
Yes, my life could be much worse. I am not the same lost and vulnerable 14 year old that I was. I like to think that I have grown and changed, but lately, I wonder to which extend.
10 years. I’ve been struggling with S.I for 10 years. Sure, I’ve not actually done anything in 2 years, but that’s not because I haven’t thought about it or haven’t wanted to. I’ve resisted because it’s ‘the right thing to do’. I’ve held onto all he self control I could muster because I’m not supposed to use S.I as a way to cope with my feelings. I’ve made the efforts, sometimes coming really close to just throwing the towel. I’ve paced and exercised and wrote and dance and did all I could imagine would help. I’ve old myself that it’s okay, it’s temporary. Someday I will develop different techniques of coping and I won’t think about S.I…
10 years later, I’m wondering, when does that actually happen? I saw a therapist when I was younger because I hadS.I. It helped, of course it did, because it got me to stop actually doing it, but it’s never made me stop thinking it, wanting it.
These days, I feel like the only thing keeping me from S.I is the fact that I can’t find a spot on my body to do it without my girlfriend ending up seeing it and I don’t want to hurt her. I know that she doesn’t want to see me hurt myself and when I do, it hurts her too. So I don’t. For her mostly. But I feel like somehow, it should be for me too. I should want to not S.I for me, but I don’t. I’ve been struggling for this for so long and it’s never gone away that now I’m starting to doubt it ever will.
So does it? Does it stop at one point? Can your brain actually stop associating that feeling of relief with S.I? Because I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t know how to hold on anymore. Everything that worked at first is slipping away and the more time passes, the more I feel like I’m closer to starting all over again.
I don’t exactly want to. I feel like 2 years is a good start and I don’t want to ruin all that effort. But I don’t know what to do.