The way I feel is scared. …which I see now is so like scarred. I adore my new job. I have no words for the way I feel about having to gotten to this level of health… of making a life worth living. But I feel crowded right now. Then panic sets in then si thoughts come next. It started when I was thinking about seeing my therapist next and needing to talk about some practical problem solving stuff– health things that are in themselves a little scary. I found a lump in my breast that I’m fairly certain is cyst, but I still think I ought to get myself to a doctor. But I don’t know how to manage it all. My son has been sick for a couple weeks and he has been non-compliant with medical stuff so the GI stopped seeing him until he’s ready to participate– I think he might be ready because he’s been really sick. I think I can get his father to tend to those appointments but his Dad blames him for being sick so it’s not good for my son…. but I’ll probably go that route anyway– then I can just call the doctor and talk about what’s going on because I won’t get accurate information back from my son or his Dad. And have an appointment with my psychiatrist that I need to cancel or reschedule and I have no idea how I am ever going to get there. My job is flexible but I feel like I’m already flexing it pretty hard by leaving quite early twice a week for other stuff. So I have problem solving problems. It’s funny I was thinking about these problem solving things crowding time for me out of my therapy session, but that is a microcosm of the life issue of there really not being time for me in my current schedule. I used to feel always like I was just waiting in the wings of my life– waiting for the needs of the people on center stage to be met so that there would be space for me. Right now I’m working all the time. I spend little chucks with my son or take the dog for a walk. Yesterday I worked mostly from my bed– doubling up on rest and work. I have a lot to do so I’m not sure how much I can change that right now but I also feel like I’d just stop existing if I stopped working. I have no idea what I’d do with myself. Going to a group meditation would be helpful. And going to group exercise classes– though that is not so much about stillness. 12 step answers would be to pray about it all. I can always sit in meditation by myself too– 20 minutes can make a big difference… but it seems so hard to do alone. Maybe just 5 minutes. Or maybe I am try to solve problems that don’t have solutions. Maybe I do just have to wait out the fall– in December my schedule will get easier. …..how to not throw my needs aside…..