I’m struggling today with wanting to hurt myself. I’m in a lot of pain physically from cramps, my abdomen and legs all the way down to my feet hurt so bad I could cry. This only happens this bad every now and then, maybe every 4 months or so. On top of that I feel uncomfortable physically and I feel like I’m worth nothing and I’m sad and I have no energy. I think I romanticize SI, like a drug, a jolt  to snap me back to reality and give me a boost and a distraction, a high. But also like drugs, once I do it I always want more,more,more.

I got this email I haven’t fully read yet about bullying awareness month. I did glance at the statistic where it ask if you are a self injurer, were you bullied in school. 51% said yes. I feel very strongly about bullying. Though the stories that have come out in the media are heartbreaking, I’m glad awareness is being brought to the subject. You couldn’t pay me enough money to go back to high school or middle school. I can absolutely see why there have been so many suicides. I was fortunate and was never physically hurt. The worst for me was ages 16-18, my last two tears of high school. The majority of it was by my band director. If course kids took that as permission probably to bully me themselves and when we were sent to the sound proof practices rooms they would mess with me a lot. The band director would call me out in front of the whole class. Finally it got so bad I had a parent teacher conference with him and the principal and my parents and he just sat there and lied and the principal sided with him and that was it. Then it got worse because he was retaliating for me calling him out. My mom yelled at him. Had smartphones been out and available back then I could have just recorded him slyly and I’d have had proof. If anyone had seen me recording him with a recorder though they would have ratted me out because everyone else thought I was stupid too and treated me how he did. I wonder what he had against me.

Anyway, my self harm and depression increased a lot during that time. I feel so bad for kids who are bullied! And now social media is so huge and I know that plays a big part for some people. I wish I could hug them and tell them that it will get better and even though it’s hard to see past high school when you’re in it, that it’s almost insignificant when you grow up. The memories are still painful but it’s a dull pain and I can pass some hope on now.