I have been watching tear-jerker movies, and i just cried while talking to a friend on Skype, and this week I cried talking to my therapist more than I ever have. And he was able to accommodate me so I don’t have to leave group. I act so stand offish. He was surprised when I said something about loosening my grip– surprised I guess that I would admit to him that my grip is tight. Which is odd since I admit it readily to anyone else. …..all that discomfort about attachment….
And just life. And feeling things. And sometimes there is sadness. And there is even sadness when a lot of good stuff is happening. But life is always reinventing itself. So many things are gone. And I need to keep my eyes on the path ahead. And I’m scared of being alone. I feel really alone as my world rebuilds itself, again. I am the only constant. And it has to be just the same for everyone. Dylan Thomas was talking about death when he wrote, “do not go gentle into that good night” but the line is rattling my head a lot. Some instinct to fight the change, though the change is health. And the change is some of my material goals being met. And in that– how to regard all the people who had a hand in helping me get here. During one difficult pregnancy I got really close to the midwife who moved into, basically, a case management position when things got complicated. Then afterward she was just gone. How odd that was– it contributed to the huge sense of being totally uprooted. ….How health it is that now I just cry instead of slipping into fantasy. And how odd to experience even more, new ways of support. Someone who has basically offered professional mentorship to me for years– I met with him this week. His kindness is so incompatible with my world view that the world view has been called into question, again. The thought: what do I really know about anything– is comforting. I’m just floating along. Safety first. There are times when safety doesn’t seem important to me– but I accept unconditionally on faith that always: safety first. …..because that is what I have been taught.
My new job starts on Monday.