I got a job working outside of the house. It’s been well over a decade since I left the house for work. And this was, is a goal. One of the early therapists I talked to in the process of finding one suggested that finishing school could be a treatment goal– my therapist is psychoanalytically trained and very sensitive to how much feeling pushed freaks me out so we don’t really talk about goals. But right now life looks to me like the section spent in an abusive relationship, the section of recovering some internal sense of safety, and now this. A job marks the end of the section in which intensive therapy structured my life. I want this, but I’m also choking up right now. How can I leave something that saved me behind? …I will still be able to go once a week but that’s a lot less and that will no longer be the centerpiece of what gives my life structure. I suspect that when I see my therapist will suggest some less concrete way of looking at all. …Also I am assuming things. That thought makes the tears stop. I think I am particularly upset about leaving my group therapy–I am making up that that has to happen. But I also want it to happen… Next week I will be working and this week I feel like I can’t possibly go because I can’t handle saying goodbye.
It has been coming up a fair share lately about the parts of life that are just hard, hard for anyone. What is normal. I think this is all just objectively hard– nothing is wrong is me.